More often than not, we don’t engage authentically when we disagree with someone, because we fear conflict.
This is especially true when we feel we have less power than the other person.
I believe that in many societies, we are trained to either submit or rebel when power is used against us.
This creates an either/or situation, where one person has to give up what matters to them while the one with more power gets to impose their will.
In this binary view of relationships, conflict creates a scary gulf between people, bringing with it shame, guilt, and resentment.
Surprise, misunderstanding, fearful disconnection, defensive antagonism, growing frustration and anger writhe inside us, causing deep discomfort and pain.
I see this as a form of violence (sometimes extreme violence), as no care is given to the health of the relationship or to the individuals involved. They find themselves in a fight, flight, or freeze response, with their sympathetic nervous system fully activated by an instinctive need to protect themselves from a perceived threat.
No wonder so many of us dislike conflict!
👉 What about you: do you recognize the patterns described above?
👉 What’s the worst conflict you’ve ever faced or feared?
A lighter question:
Have you ever experienced a conflict as an opportunity to strengthen a relationship and co-create solutions?
Please share your experience in the comments to inspire other readers!